


Do you remember how it used to be

by luv_u_4eva_418



Series: Brian&Justin lyrics [3]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 20:28:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2201982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luv_u_4eva_418/pseuds/luv_u_4eva_418
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>remembering shouldn't be this painful</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do you remember how it used to be

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Brad Paisley and Carried Underwood for the use of this lyric from their song...many thanks

The drugs were supposed to keep the nightmares away. They were supposed to help him forget all that he had lost. They were supposed to numb the pain and loneliness. They should have helped him to put everything he no longer had behind him.

 

But all the drugs did was to help him remember, not forget.

 

And yet, with all the pain he went through with the memories that he wanted so much to forget…he still went looking for the drugs that helped him to remember.

 

*~*~*~*

 

So often, when he had first made the move, he wanted to just throw up his arms and turn right around. He didn’t want to be in the City anymore. He didn’t want to be away from his family. He just didn’t want to be there anymore.

 

He so wanted to be able to tell Brian that. He needed someone who understood what he was feeling. He needed that someone to listen to him and let him vent his frustrations, without making him feel like shit.

 

He needed to remember why he thought this was a good idea. He needed to remember that he would be able to go back home when he ‘made it’ and not until then.

 

There was so much that he needed to remember, but nothing was worth this.

 

All of this pain that went with remembering…that shit wasn’t worth it.

 

*~*~*~*

 

That night, after his show, laying in his bed it was so hard to hold on to the loosing grip he had on his sanity. He had convinced himself, while so far gone on his drugs, that his ‘friends’ were all in his mind.

 

Even with the memories he thought that they were just there in his mind. Because, with all the love that had been professed on both sides, how could they just abandon him for no reason?

 

True friends, ones that loved you no matter what…they would never treat him the way he had been treated. The way he had been dumped. The way he had been forgotten.

 

He had been left alone by people he loved…by people he thought loved him.

 

So, over time the drugs helped him to push them into his mind as if they never truly had existed. They weren’t there for others, just for him.

 

But, when he saw who walked in the door…everything came crashing down.

 

All his perfectly erected walls, helped kept there by the drugs…they were washed away in quick waves of doubt and fear and anger.

 

*~*~*~*

 

^V^ ^V^

 

*~*~*~*

 

So long had it been since he had seen Justin, but even with the pain that he had gone through in regards to the younger man he would never not come to one of his shows. If anything, he had always been so proud of his younger lover and everything that he had accomplished in his life.

 

So, when he walked into the gallery he had no idea what to expect…but what he found wasn’t it.

 

The paintings that he saw spoke of a man who was so haunted by his dreams and life. He could almost feel the agony seeping out of each and every painting, and with every step dread crept more and more into the heart he thought was forever broken.

 

*~*~*~*

 

When Justin had first left he thought it was better for the blonde to be in the City than home with him. He thought that it would help him to grow as an artist and to gain the recognition that he so deserved. But, of course he was so wrong.

 

Within a day of Justin being gone he realized that he had made the biggest mistake of his life, letting the other man go, but now there was nothing he could do. All he wanted to do was tell Justin to come home to him, but he could not destroy his chances.

 

So he sat back and let him live his life.

 

He was surprised when the emails and texts dwindled down to nothing. He knew that Justin was probably busy, but even he should have been able to respond to the daily messages Brian sent to him.

 

When everything ceased from his lover, Brian had to finally accept that he had moved on. He had found what he needed and it was no longer him.

 

How wrong he was.

 

*~*~*~*

 

^V^ ^V^

 

*~*~*~*

 

_He was curled up against a strong chest, with even stronger arms wrapped around his waist. Though the words ‘I love you’ never slipped out, he knew the other man loved him as much as he loved the other man._

_Being able to just lay there, without the outside world interfering, it was so refreshing._

_How many times did his best friend ‘drop in’ and stay all day, often dragging Brian out to Babylon? How many times without him? How often did he slip in those hateful and hurtful words?_

_\---*---_

_Eating lunch with his mom was always fun. Even if in the beginning she and Brian did not get along, they had a sarcastic relationship now. To see them out together, feeding off of one another, brought a smile to his face._

_\---*---_

_Painting always made him happy. Seeing Gus thrilled him to no end. Watching Gus paint a picture for Brian…that was the best of both worlds._

_Loving the little boy who was so much like his father…that wasn’t hard at all. Getting love back from the mini-Brian was just as easy._

He awoke with tears in his eyes, his throat closing up on him, and his heart pounding like it hadn’t in months.

 

The nightmares had been so hard to deal with. Having people in them that he had so wished were real…that hurt so very much.

 

But now, remembering all that he had been pushing himself to forget…this was so hard to wrap his mind around. It was so hard to comprehend.

 

Why now?

 

Why did he have show up now?

 

Things were so hard already, and now to find out his nightmares were real…it was crippling him more than he already was.

 

Having to remember how things used to be…even if he hadn’t thought his memories were real…having to muddle thorough reality and fantasy…

 

The drugs helped so much before…but now it was as if he could never get enough. He could never dull the pain…numb it…float away far enough…

 

 


End file.
